Coming

I came. OKAY?! I'm here! How do I know I can trust you? I entrusted Eric to you. And the first day I land, he's paralyzed from the chest down! What were you thinking? What was I thinking, entrusting him to you?! I was letting go. It wasn't bad enough that he didn't even want me afterall?! I already knew it. But then why bother holding out? And then, just when we get reconnected, he starts dating some new girl. And then we can't be friends because she's uncomfortable. And then, the week before my birthday. He gets engaged?! WTF!!?!!? Now, I'm supposed to release my fears? I was supposed to be ok with giving you my dreams? How do I know I'll be safe? How do I know that I can get through this? How do I know that you'll take care of me when I don't even know that you're taking care of others? I see others as better than me, yet I see myself as precious. So it's like others are the cupbearer. If they taste it and don't die, maybe I'll be safe enough, too. Yes, I am so selfish to think like that. Yes, I am self-indulgent. Yes, I want to be protected, safe and secure. Yes, I want to know that you will be there, that you really exist, that I'm not hoping on coincidences. Why the hell would I hope in coincidences after all of that with Eric anyways? What a miserable set of circumstances. I would rather hope in a god that sees something greater, a purpose for all of that, hopeful that something better actually is in sight...